Sunday, August 16, 2015

Stop and Breathe

Life has been like a roller coaster to me. It was started from approximately a year ago, when I decided to pursue my passion in education. I just realized that I always interested in education. From the movies or tv series that I watched, I've been hypnotized by the power of teacher can do to the kids. From a Japanese TV Series, the Great Teacher Onizuka (GTO) to the Box Office Movies like Freedom Writer or School of Rock. I saw the potential of a teacher that could bring the best of their students. I like this concept. I believe that everyone in this world has a meaning. They are matters. They are needed. They are special. But I never think that I could be a teacher. I never dream to be a teacher. I always feel awkward speaking in front of the class. But I enjoy assist my friends at one on one basis, back then. When they had problems with their study, I always happy to help them. Shortly, I don't actually think that I could be a teacher or involved in education institution.

Until about a year ago, my dear friend Ina asked me to watch the Ted Talk of Sir Ken Robinson: "Bring On The Learning Evolution!". And I was like.... Gasped. Oh My GOD. I finally find the person. Somehow, I could feel the adrenaline inside my body streams. I already found it, I guessed. I already find my passion.

I always feel uncomfortable when people say that I'm smart, just because I could get inside one of the great high school in my city. Or when I accepted at the Engineering Department at the Best Technology University in Indonesia. Or back then when I was awarded as the first rank student in my junior high school. I thought that everybody can do it: Study. They just choose not to. I have no other things to do, so I chose to study hard. It was different when someone praised my art works. I was really happy. When I could draw beautifully, or when I put my soul into something that I made. They said I was a creative person. And I was happy. I feel comfortable. I feel confident with my skills. Although I knew that my friends way way way more skilled than me, but I don't care. Sadly, what made me happy could not be supported by my surroundings. I was told to pursue another side of me. Yes it is true I could survive and graduated from the engineering department. But actually I still feel the emptiness inside my heart.

Watching Sir Ken Robinson's talks was like switching on my conscience. I believe that school now has a very very different pursue from what it should have been. School has to be the place where everyone feel safe, discovering themselves. School has to be the institution that support everyone in it. No matter what their strength are. They deserves the appreciation and support. But not the usual school now. The school and teachers only praised the students who are great with Maths, with English, with Chemistry or Biology. In my mind, the people who are great with maths actually is the same as the people who are great with dance. Unfortunately, not everyone thinks the same way. Except Sir Ken Robinson, and those people who standing applause after watching his talk. I believe there are many more, but I could not find any.

So that is the beginning of my efforts to pursue my passion. I read Sir Ken Robinson books, I follow his twitter. I decided to take a master. I have been wanted to take a master, but I did not want it to be the same like my bachelor degree. I wanted it to be the subject that I really like. I finally found it, I thought. So I was ready to prepare my master study. First, I don't have enough money to study abroad, so I need to get a scholarship. Second, I don't really well at English, so I need to take preparation to have my IELTS certificate. I learned, I prepared, everything. The IELTS course, the certification, the scholarship application, the personal statements. I even got the Letter of Awards from Warwick University and Bath University.

Finally, there is the pause of my journey. Suddenly, the universe told me to stop. I didn't get the scholarship award, although there are many of my friends accepted. I felt sad of course. But the saddest thing is, the universe, the surroundings, does not support me to jump from my current life to education. They said that I was so reckless to leave everything that I have: My engineering degree and my banker experience, just to enter the new world of education. I was told that I was insane, that it was not possible for me to live smoothly. Hell I want smooth life!? I want to live, I want to feel useful. And OMG, for the first time of my life I was really sure with what I want. But unfortunately, the universe does not say so. I was depressed. I secretly cried every night. I feel that I want to die. Thank God, I was not that in despair. I still breathe now.

Now, if you're asked me what is my plan for the future. I can not answer that confidently. Like a broken vase, I try to put every piece together now. I know, theoretically, that God's Plan is the best for us. Even when we don't get the things that we want. Maybe it is better for us. I still have my passion in education. I still try to connect my life with that. My dream, to build a school where everyone is treated equally, to arrange the personalized curriculum, is still there. In my heart. I don't know where this life will bring me to. I just need a stop, and breathe for a while. Because I am too tired, to get all the rejections. Since I was a kid. The universe doesn't seem really get along with my dreams. So yeah, maybe I just need to stop worrying about the future. Stop worrying about why I could not get it. Why I can not do what I wanted. Why this and why that. Too many whys. I just need to breathe, and focus at my breathe. Who knows, maybe a year later, everything will be alright.

Hopefully.