Friends that made our life more live!

I want to tell you a story about one of my closest friends. Her name is Prilla, or I would love to call her Prilski. So we’ve met for the first time at high school, but it didn’t mean anything. I mean, she’s just an ordinary high school girl, and I’m just an ordinary high school girl. She seemed really quiet and kind. Well, that’s a typical characteristic you see on introvert people. So basically nothing much I can say about her at the earlier years I’ve known her.

Things changed when I was in the same faculty with her. She’s probably my first best friend at college. She’s so quiet but I’m intrigued by it, so I dug deeper about her. Surprisingly, there’s so many interesting things about her. She is the one who introduced me to Grey’s anatomy, and I guess, that is the first American TV series that accompanied me at growing up. (You know, about the quotes on the opening and ending at every episode…)

Her sweety cheeky

In that series, the lead character, Meredith Grey has Christina Yang as her best friend. And I don’t know somehow, I was feeling that Prilla is my Meredith. Lol. Because so many absurd things that we did at college. I still remember that every time before we were having sport class, we would like to go to my place and take an afternoon nap. Yes, Right! Lol. Most of times, I had lunch with her. Some of time, not only lunch, we had dinner and breakfast together. And every time I felt lonely, I would directly go to her apartment bringing clothes for the next day class. I spent many nights at her apartment, maybe more than her parents.

I started to call her Prilski after we called each other’s name with additional –ski word after our real name. And to make it cuter, we often cut the name into just one syllable. And now, it feels weird to call her by her real name, Prilla. Lol. I like Prilski more. And it makes me feel closer to her somehow. Prilski is the girl who really independent. She has apartment, and don’t think that having apartment is prestigious or what. It actually means that you have to be ready to clean your place regularly, throw the garbages regularly, buy gas to cook, buy foods, settle the monthly payments, do laundry alone, bring the mineral water bottles alone with groceries on your hand. It’s like you have your own house and you have to manage it by yourself. While actually in my place, we have maids to do the laundry, they also do the cleaning, and we don’t have to worry about gas or mineral waters to drink. So I thought that she was really cool, you know, doing all of that. 
 

At Her Engagement

She is also the first person introduced me to use Macbook. I know maybe it’s not really important for you, but for me, it’s the first time experience using OS other than Windows. It’s somehow always be remembered. Life with her on her apartments was really fun. I always sleep first, before her. On her couch, and she always like.. waking me up and asked me to sleep on the bed. I don’t know why I always feel really sleepy. Every time we want to have lunch, and we will say “up to you” to each other, and ended up feel really hungry because we could not decide.

The soundtrack for our life would be Anggun, Maliq and D’essentials, Maroon 5 and maybe Rihanna. So she has this iPod. With lots of cool songs on that thing. And we always listened to the music at her room, or car. Most of times, she is the person who introduced me to the hits playlists.

Maybe because I love her too much, and there’s the insecurity within my mind. I always feel sad when she has this things with other friends. I felt envy, I felt jealous. But I know I was wrong, so I can do nothing about it, except being in a silent mode towards her. For a couple of times. Made her feeling confused. I was so sorry for her. But I think this is the reason of my realization, that she was important for me. She is important for me. So I started to be more open to her. To tell my mind to her. And fortunately, we could tell each other’s feeling. And that’s a good start right?

Prilski and Iwski

Of course, we’ve been through a lot of downsides. However, I’m glad that we could be there for each other. I still remember when I get back to Bandung after my dad passed away. She was right there. My closest friends were there. She was one of reasons so that I could be sane in the middle of depression feeling. And now, we’ve been friends for like.. almost ten years this year. However, I’m still learning about her. And learning about her is fun. Because we are growing up together, and we transforms ourselves together.

Di Balikpapan

All in all, I just want to tell you that being with her is irreplaceable. She has this place in my heart that could not be filled by other persons. I don’t know where the future may bring us to. But I hope that I can always be with her. I can always be there for her. And I hope that Prilski and Me will be friends forever.

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Stop and Breathe

Life has been like a roller coaster to me. It was started from approximately a year ago, when I decided to pursue my passion in education. I just realized that I always interested in education. From the movies or tv series that I watched, I've been hypnotized by the power of teacher can do to the kids. From a Japanese TV Series, the Great Teacher Onizuka (GTO) to the Box Office Movies like Freedom Writer or School of Rock. I saw the potential of a teacher that could bring the best of their students. I like this concept. I believe that everyone in this world has a meaning. They are matters. They are needed. They are special. But I never think that I could be a teacher. I never dream to be a teacher. I always feel awkward speaking in front of the class. But I enjoy assist my friends at one on one basis, back then. When they had problems with their study, I always happy to help them. Shortly, I don't actually think that I could be a teacher or involved in education institution.

Until about a year ago, my dear friend Ina asked me to watch the Ted Talk of Sir Ken Robinson: "Bring On The Learning Evolution!". And I was like.... Gasped. Oh My GOD. I finally find the person. Somehow, I could feel the adrenaline inside my body streams. I already found it, I guessed. I already find my passion.

I always feel uncomfortable when people say that I'm smart, just because I could get inside one of the great high school in my city. Or when I accepted at the Engineering Department at the Best Technology University in Indonesia. Or back then when I was awarded as the first rank student in my junior high school. I thought that everybody can do it: Study. They just choose not to. I have no other things to do, so I chose to study hard. It was different when someone praised my art works. I was really happy. When I could draw beautifully, or when I put my soul into something that I made. They said I was a creative person. And I was happy. I feel comfortable. I feel confident with my skills. Although I knew that my friends way way way more skilled than me, but I don't care. Sadly, what made me happy could not be supported by my surroundings. I was told to pursue another side of me. Yes it is true I could survive and graduated from the engineering department. But actually I still feel the emptiness inside my heart.

Watching Sir Ken Robinson's talks was like switching on my conscience. I believe that school now has a very very different pursue from what it should have been. School has to be the place where everyone feel safe, discovering themselves. School has to be the institution that support everyone in it. No matter what their strength are. They deserves the appreciation and support. But not the usual school now. The school and teachers only praised the students who are great with Maths, with English, with Chemistry or Biology. In my mind, the people who are great with maths actually is the same as the people who are great with dance. Unfortunately, not everyone thinks the same way. Except Sir Ken Robinson, and those people who standing applause after watching his talk. I believe there are many more, but I could not find any.

So that is the beginning of my efforts to pursue my passion. I read Sir Ken Robinson books, I follow his twitter. I decided to take a master. I have been wanted to take a master, but I did not want it to be the same like my bachelor degree. I wanted it to be the subject that I really like. I finally found it, I thought. So I was ready to prepare my master study. First, I don't have enough money to study abroad, so I need to get a scholarship. Second, I don't really well at English, so I need to take preparation to have my IELTS certificate. I learned, I prepared, everything. The IELTS course, the certification, the scholarship application, the personal statements. I even got the Letter of Awards from Warwick University and Bath University.

Finally, there is the pause of my journey. Suddenly, the universe told me to stop. I didn't get the scholarship award, although there are many of my friends accepted. I felt sad of course. But the saddest thing is, the universe, the surroundings, does not support me to jump from my current life to education. They said that I was so reckless to leave everything that I have: My engineering degree and my banker experience, just to enter the new world of education. I was told that I was insane, that it was not possible for me to live smoothly. Hell I want smooth life!? I want to live, I want to feel useful. And OMG, for the first time of my life I was really sure with what I want. But unfortunately, the universe does not say so. I was depressed. I secretly cried every night. I feel that I want to die. Thank God, I was not that in despair. I still breathe now.

Now, if you're asked me what is my plan for the future. I can not answer that confidently. Like a broken vase, I try to put every piece together now. I know, theoretically, that God's Plan is the best for us. Even when we don't get the things that we want. Maybe it is better for us. I still have my passion in education. I still try to connect my life with that. My dream, to build a school where everyone is treated equally, to arrange the personalized curriculum, is still there. In my heart. I don't know where this life will bring me to. I just need a stop, and breathe for a while. Because I am too tired, to get all the rejections. Since I was a kid. The universe doesn't seem really get along with my dreams. So yeah, maybe I just need to stop worrying about the future. Stop worrying about why I could not get it. Why I can not do what I wanted. Why this and why that. Too many whys. I just need to breathe, and focus at my breathe. Who knows, maybe a year later, everything will be alright.

Hopefully.

The Lights of Pryncess Tiwi.

      College life was full of notes. What I mean by notes here are literally the notes for every subject in every class. I always tried my best to create proper notes on every subject, but it wasn’t always worked the way I planned. There were conditions when I was really tired to make a note or simply couldn’t hear what the lecturer said that day. Shortly, I couldn’t catch up and missed those notes.

Near the exam periods, I usually asked my friend’s kindness to lend me her notes and copied them so I could read and learn the exam materials by myself. It was the first time I noticed her. After copying her college notes, I got amazed by the handwritings. It was really neat. I love her fonts . It made me happy even when reading about boring college subjects.

People who can maintain a neat and easy to read handwritings are the perfectionist ones. It may sound irrational, but I completely agree with this belief, and I always keep that in my mind. Yeah, there were moments when I interested in learning the graphology, become the expert on that, and could understand the people’s personality just by reading their handwriting. But those moments were never come into reality. It just evaporated in my dream. In fact, I don’t know anything about reading handwriting style moreover their personality. But I still believe that she is a perfectionist.

As the time goes by, I started to learn about her. We became close; she is one of my inner circles now. Trying my best to think about her, I came up with that moment when I get amazed by her handwritings. Some of my hypotheses are true. She is a perfectionist, but in a good way. I still remembered, when we were in our last year of college, she told us that she wanted to wear braces. Wearing braces for some people is easy, they can ask her mama or papa to take them to the dentist and voila, they will go home with their teeth covered by the shiny braces. But for some people like her, getting to wear braces using her own money, which she gained by her own hard work, is some kind of an achievement. It was like a dream comes true. She is one of the people who inspire me to think forward about ourselves. It is true that we may not have everything we want now, but we should be patient and work hard. Eventually, we can get what we really, really want.

Our friends call her princess. Maybe it is because of her thin tone voice and her gracious attitude or her preference with gold and shimmering stuffs. Funny thing happened when we bought cupcakes for her latest birthday. We wanted to arrange the cupcakes to be written as “Happy Birthday Princess”. We found the mini happy birthday signage. We already found the “P”, “R”, “N”, “C”, “E” and “S”, but we couldn’t find the “I”. Therefore, we used the “Y” instead to replace the “I”. Finally, it read as “Happy Birthday Pryncess.” Surprisingly, it was cute, and because of that we keep on writing her name as Pryncess not Princess, until now.

Yes it is true that her voice is really soft, but you should not underestimate her. She can work like a horse and also stand up to defend her rights. So you better watch out, guys. Don’t take her graciousness wrong.

She is also one of the people who advise me in a way to make peace with my past. One evening, we met at a restaurant. We chatted about our life then I started to tell her about my past, about how I desperately want to forget about them. She said that, “You won’t forget them. You just can’t. Everywhere we go, we will take them as parts of us. Every place we have been with them, will remind us about them. So just stop trying to forget, because it will never be forgotten.” Oh God, why I never think that way?

All in all, I always try to learn something from people I met, including from my close friends. She is one of them. She is one of the people who taught me about surviving. Who taught me about the importance of setting goals for ourselves and working hard to fulfill them. She is our pryncess, who maybe without her realization, had taught her friends not only to be gracious, but also to always fight to reach the dreams.  

Pryncess Tiwi, keep shining like the diamonds in the sky!

Just Say Hi

Not that I plan to stay blogging regularly, but...
Somehow I just want to say Hi. I even do not know, to whom I said it, but anyway...
Regarding the last post I made which titled of Being Grateful, indeed, I really.. really am grateful with what I have.. what I had.. Of course, ups and downs are always there. However, God who really really kind to us had been giving me strength and lots of nice friend and family who always be there when I needed them.

I want to say that, every person has its own path in life. No matter what kind of path it is, just enjoy yours. I think that my path is not good in the beginning, but it turned out that I could handle it.. With all the tears, sweats, laughs, smiles... I find it that my path is also interesting. I am sure that this stage will contribute something huge in my life, Although I am not knowing it all now. Because, every stage of our life is like dots, that we can connected later, and we can know the meaning after all dots are fully connected.


Job.

Graduated from an Institution called Engineering did make me feel a weirdo when I decided to enter a job as a banker. My feeling is not good at all at first. And believe me, being a banker means you are ready to be put in an endlessly stress 5 days a week. Especially if your job is a Relationship Manager slash Account Officer. What are your tasks? Well, it should have been very simple, you meet the client, chit chat about their project, you gather information and documentation, you make a proposal, and help them to disburse the loan. Simple is it? HAHA you think!!!!! The fact is.. this job is like a hell.. Dealing with people. Believe me. And please believe me. Dealing with people is much much much more Frustrating than dealing with Numbers. There is no exact equation in solving the problems with people. I could say that this job, needs a special skills in People Handling section. You could be a banker who does not care with people, but in fact, as I am a woman who could easily distracted with something called Feeling, your problems with people could be depressing enough to make you cry. 

Ok, enough about those ugly side. The good side in my job is.. I could meet various businessmen/women who passionate about their work, who succeeded in build a company, who's been head over heels to get up after force majeure attacked, who really brave to take risks, who do not care about other people as long as they got what they wanted, who really greedy, who really humble, who really rich even can buy the ferrari without telling their parents (by the way we are at the same age), who intentionally or not had taught me valuable things in life. I also learned about various industry, and I should admit that 3 years in this job, and I proudly say that I know NOTHING. Really nothing.. There are soooo many things in every industry that you have to learn. And somehow, 3 years is not enough. I learned about Oil and Gas Industry, Shipping Industry,   Property Industry, Textile Industry, Manufacturing.. and I just learn their pieces. Interesting. Don't forget about financing, structuring financing to a company is also a good thing that I learned in this job. Meet the lawyers, learn about the laws, meet the notary, knowing what they do, is the various little things that also I experienced in my job. In short, I am grateful with what I learned. I even more grateful with the team I worked with, who's been really kind and like a family. They are great people, they had been taught me well and gave me the experiences where I maybe could not have it in other universe.     

Travel.

My first travel abroad is presented by my Big Boss in the office. He is really really beyond kind that he planned a holiday with our team + family  to Hong Kong & Macau. And.. it was free.. Yep! He is so kind, and I wish he had a long live filled with more and more blessings to come. For the only member who had not been abroad before, I got lots of jokes from my Supervisors, but I don't care. I had so much fun back there, something that I won't trade for any other things.. My first office outing is at Singapore. I met with my relative who lives there and I had so much fun also. I was nervous at the first when I am about to landed abroad.. But the feeling is more or less not that "high". I am happy that I have been traveled to other country, but what made me really happy is actually, the people who we traveled with. 

Oh, and I never been to Bali until.. I planned to take a block leave and go with my close friends. Atika, Sofi and Astrid are the friends who accompanied me. I must say that I love Bali. Gasped with the Beach. I went to Pandawa Beach, which, perfectly fits with my Imagination of Beach. All I can see is the ocean. It was quite, Lots of Sands, and I was there with my close friends. It was beautiful. I accidentally went on Bali when APEC event was about to be held, so it was not easy at all when our last day in Bali. However, I am really grateful, I could go there, Sleep in a Nice Rooms, Eat the Nice Foods, Seeing the Extraordinary Views, and of course, Travel with The People I Love. 

Socials.

I still remember when one of my friend in the office share the story about Kelas Inspirasi. It started when I see the Profile Pictures of my friends in BBM contact list. And somehow, I felt that I know the person. I asked the confirmation about the picture. It was true, She is the person on the picture. The pictures is a woman who really enthusiast while teaching in a elementary classroom. I was interested. The next months later, she told me about Kelas Inspirasi 2, that she's held. Yes, she is one of the pioneer of Kelas Inspirasi, and she was one of the committee in that project. She told me that if I am interested, I should apply to be one of the volunteer, and I was really interested. So I applied, and get accepted. Yay!! 

I met with the coolest team ever. With the same vision and spirits, we were teaching at the Elementary School for 1 day. It was not easy at all. The children have so many energy, so many power which successfully made me all over sweats that day. But I am really happy. The feelings of realize that we already positively contribute to other people is beyond words. Moreover, My team is filled with the people who's had various career. There was a Fashion Designer, Consultant, Lecture/Founder of Social Foundation, Comic Artist, HR practitioner, Flight Attendant, Investment Analyst, and more. Meet with them, has been able to talk with them, share the work with them, are the things that I treasured in this year. I am planning to be more and more giving to my society. No matter how small it is, I want to give the Inspiration to other people. 

Dreams.

If someone asked me, what was my dream. I was hoping that I could work on the world that 180 degrees contrary to what I had now. I wanna be a Designer, a Writer, a Film Maker... something that I could not be for right now. But My friend Ina, she was pursuing her dreams, she took a master in Publishing, which I find it cool and extraordinary. She also constantly remind me of my dreams. With her, I believe that Someday I have to pursue my dream. Someday I could be it. But for now, contributing to her Digital Magazine Project and our Story Project have made the empty slot in my heart somehow filled properly. I pray that this project could be sustained for a long term. I also pray that I could keep remember of my dreams. The things that I really wanna do in my life.

Family. 

Yeah, we are now keep surviving. Mom, and my little siblings. Life is never easy, but the family made me sane. Holding on together, we hope that there will be a White Light there. :)

So, this is me saying Hi. I am not planning to say Hi again soon, but who knows.

Just.

Be Happy, please ....

to be grateful

bersyukur adalah hal tersulit yang bisa dilakukan oleh seorang manusia..
banyak orang yang merasa telah bersyukur dengan keadaan dirinya, tapi aku yakin dalam lubuk hatinya yang paling dalam, keinginan itu akan selalu ada dan menghantui setiap aliran darah manusia..

berjuang untuk bisa bersyukur juga yang sedang aku lakukan sekarang. merasa bahwa semua yang menjadi atribut diriku ini juga yang memberikan tak lain dan tak bukan adalah Tuhan.. sehingga harusnya aku tidak boleh kecewa dengan apapun yang terjadi dalam hidupku..

seberat apapun cobaan yang diberikan. sesulit apapun tantangan yang menghadang. sedikit apapun uang yang dimiliki. sekecil apapun dimata orang lain. serendah apapun status yang dihargai di masyarakat. sebesar apapun tubuh yang dimiliki. selama apapun penantianku terhadap kebahagiaan. sesedih apapun aku merasa..
aku harus bersyukur.

ya Tuhanku. aku memohon pada Mu. biarkanlah aku merasa bahagia dengan keadaanku, lapangkanlah hatiku, ringankanlah perasaanku, agar aku bisa benar-benar bersyukur dengan apa yang kumiliki saat ini. agar aku bisa menginginkan apa yang kumiliki saat ini.

Amiin.

ps: im considering about one of my bestiest said that i should make like a blog or what to be the album of my words.. since my another bestiest put my words in the campus year book, there were some of my friends asked me to make some words to express the feeling or emotion or simply just to tell somebody or people what their expressions were. and i'm happy of that. if people could read my words and feel them too. :)
well.. i guess we have to wait for the album :)

my sister's keeper

i really love the book
really..
but not really with the movie..

and the fact that today i almost lost my sister
has been made me cry loudly..

God.. i love her very much
please take care of her.
i cant be my sister's keeper all day long..
but
i know You have the power to keep her safe.

my little sister, ivi..

i can not imagine, what if something bad happens to her again...
i just love her..

please God..
take care of her..
please..
i dont wanna lose my family any more.. :'(

cry in loss

loss adalah kerugian, kehilangan begitu menurut sederet.com my favorite dictionary digital :)

sesiap apapun kita, kita ga akan pernah siap untuk kehilangan.. ini adalah kalimat yang waktu itu pernah diucapkan seorang deddy corbuzier (out of the blue, banget) dulu ketika dia kehilangan ayahnya dan diwawancarai oleh infotainment.. kata-kata dia melekat banget di dalam ingatanku, dan aku pun udah pernah merasakannya. kita gak akan pernah siap untuk kehilangan.. apapun itu.. pasti ada sesuatu yang ga bisa kita tahan.. sesuatu yang bolong.. yang melubangi hati kita dan kita ga bisa tutup itu dengan apapun. sekuat apapun kita. kita pasti merasakannya.

waktu papa pergi untuk selamanya, aku udah tau, karena papa sakit dan gak sadar selama berminggu-minggu di rumah sakit. tetep aja aku nangis banget ketika detak jantung papa beneran berhenti untuk selamanya. waktu acara malam wisuda oktober, kita semua tau, itu adalah malam yang akan kita habiskan bersama 200 orang lainnya di bandung, dengan gembira.. segala perjuangan yang telah kita lakukan, kita tau bahwa kita akan menempuh jalan kita masing-masing. tetep aja, air mata tumpah ketika saling mengucapkan selamat tinggal, take care, bersalaman dan memeluk teman-temanku tersayang. dan baru-baru ini, salah seorang teman akan keluar dari program training kantorku, dan again, aku menangis.. aku tau kalo kita pasti akan berpisah, tapi tetap aja, aku ga bisa gak nangis. aneh banget, padahal kita jadi temen juga baru 4 bulan.. waktu yang gak terlalu lama. kita juga bukannya selalu menghabiskan waktu bersama.. tapi entah kenapa.. air mata betul-betul gak tertahankan, waktu mengetahui secara pasti bahwa dia akan pergi. jadi seperti itulah yang namanya kehilangan teman seperjuangan yaa..

sebenarnya aku penasaran banget, sama cara kerja tubuh manusia ketika menangis. bagian mana dari otak, atau hormon apa yang mempengaruhinya, ketika merasa kehilangan, kontan air mata tiba-tiba jatuh berceceran. apa hubungannya perasaan kehilangan dengan air yang ada di mata. ujung-ujungnya, mengapa manusia butuh menangis? selain karena memang masalah matanya sakit jadi nangis.. tapi mengapa ketika yang dirasakan itu bukannya fisik melainkan di pikiran saja, mengapa otak bisa mengirim sinyal untuk menangis? apa sebenarnya yang terjadi, karena setelah menangis, banyak juga orang yang merasa lega.. menangis itu adalah luapan emosi.. mungkin sama ketika kita berteriak marah, atau bergembira..

tapi buatku.. ketika aku kehilangan.. kehilangan sesuatu di dalam hati dan pikiranku.. kehilangan itu bercampur bersama dengan air mataku. 'sesuatu' itu pergi, pergi bersama dengan air mata. air mata dalam kehilangan adalah kendaraan untuk 'sesuatu' yang ada dalam perasaanku keluar..

air mata akan selalu ada sampai kita pergi nanti.. air mata akan selalu diciptakan dan diproduksi oleh tubuh ini atas perintah Tuhan, untuk menampung hal-hal lain di dunia ini yang akan kita cicipi.